The Future is in His Eyes

I am an only child, but I never have been a lonely child. I had the good fortune of growing up with a cousin who was a year younger than I was. I was his boss and he was my demon. We were as thick as thieves, as the saying goes. Of course, I was the mastermind, and he was the lackey. Whenever we did something wrong, I ran as quickly as I could to hide. My cousin always stood there and took the brunt of the blame. We fought each other like hell, but in retrospect, I know that it was only because we loved each other so much.

I feel terribly sorry for my younger cousin. I've been babysitting him for the past two days, but he's eight. And something about being twice his age makes me lose my patience with his antics. I can't understand his inner intrigues. It's hard for me to understand him most of the time because he speaks so sweetly and softly.

I can hear him, even now, as I write this blog post, gallivanting in the small space of the hallway, trying to devise a game for himself. Every couple of minutes he comes in and dances and asks me to put something on the internet, but I cannot. I haven't the time. I'm rewriting an essay that I bombed with a capital B, so I've been very short and impatient with him.

I'm letting him down, just like every psuedo-adult in his life. He's got no one to share his little inner turmoils and triumphs. I can't be that person for him. I don't understand what he wants the way I used to when I took care of him and I was ten and he was two, or when I was twelve and he was four. Something about those ages before fourteen made being those ages mutually intelligible. I was always the nice one to him back then. Now I seem like the bitch in comparison to my other cousin who used to play too roughly.

I play too roughly with his self-esteem. I'm sorry.

say a prayer

To my cousin. Keep your head up.

i could have been dead
sleeping in my grave
but God blessed me
to see another day

even when i did wrong he was still there
I'm so glad that God still hear a sinners prayer
I'm so glad that God still hear a sinners prayer
now let me pray let me pray
- A Sinner's Prayer, Deitrick Haddon

My grandmother, the blessed saint that she is, just received a letter from a cousin of mine. She gave me the letter to read, and I, being my sanctimonious sarcastic self, wondered what would be the purpose of a letter that told me what I already knew. That is, my cousin is in jail. But upon reading it, I felt humbled by my cousin's stoicism and strength in the face of 5-10 years of jail, of which I did not realize he had been convicted. He said that he has renewed his faith in God and that sometimes God puts obstacles in our way to test whether we will overcome adversity or let it overcome us.

I wept.

How could I, who had been so fortunate in life, be so immune to God's calls? If anything, God has helped me more than anyone in my life, for it was He who put those who helped me into my life. He ordained those things, He gave me the talents that I have been blessed with it, and the intelligence to use them. I have been so lucky: I could have been born deformed, I could have been killed in the violence that occurred around my neighborhood. I could have ended up not going into Prep, and not getting into as great a school as I attend. And I, like so many, assume that I'm entitled to these things. But I'm not. I could have been like so many girls I see: unhappy, unhealthy, possibly on my way to pregnancy or reckless behavior that could have killed me or my spirit.

But here I am. Here I am, despite the many things that could have happened to me. I've been so blessed to have family that supports me however they can. I've been so blessed to have friends that for the most part, are some of the best friends a girl could ask for.

So here I am, giving thanks for this day and all the days before it. I will try to do my best to continue living with the joy that I have within me. I will do my best to excel, because I realize that I am a part of the hope for America. That sounds self-centered, but it really isn't, because it means that it's up to me to continue paving the way, to prove to kids that you can go from living in the ghetto to going to a conservatory or whatever it is that you want.

Here I am, rededicating my life to God, even on the Internet.

Here I am, saying a prayer for you.